In this essay my aim is to highlight flaws in how corporations are implementing feedback sessions, how these can be mitigated and in general what should we watch out for while doing so. To prepare the reader for what may come, many ideas/opinions might strike the reader as painful, ridiculous or even rage inducing. When this occurs please try to understand the points before dismissing them entirely. You may not agree at all, but there is always something that can be gained from an argument. If nothing else, approach this as an opportunity for a discussion, rather than a threat to your internal balance.

My goal is to try and demonstrate why simple feedback sessions are insufficient, why real results are much harder to obtain and require much more sacrifice both on the individuals and the groups level. Whenever possible I will aim to juxtapose the points made by regular daily activities that many if not all have already encountered in their lives, so a more tangible example can be obtained.

I am no expert by any means. Haven’t received professional training, nor am I planning too. Everything outlined here comes from either reading on the topics or watching freely available lectures online.

The structure is as follows. In The baseline we will highlight how and perhaps why our perceptions about the world are twisted, then in You are not alone, but it is up to you the basic requirements for change are outlined. In A harmful way of feedbacks an example of an insufficient feedback process is given, then finally in What could be done a general guidance is outlined on how to give feedback a more productively.

The baseline

Life is incredibly difficult. We don’t like to think about it, nor do we like to show it. In fact whenever possible, we would do whatever we can to hide the truth and only show what we deem best. That is why social media is full of meticulously curated photos, videos, posts demonstrating lives unattainable. This is why most people have no idea what is real and what is not. On the one hand they are experiencing things as they are, but are shown that things are otherwise. The overwhelming majority will then either deny what is in favor what they want or simply ignore the problem on such a fundamental level, that they can no longer consciously evaluate them. According to the WHO’s Depression page, Depression has become the leading cause of disability worldwide affecting 5% of the population and about 10% of the global disease burden originates from mental, neurological or substance disorders. About 39% (!) of adults were classified as overweight in 2016. Obesity alone affects nearly half of the global population and we haven’t even touched on poverty yet.

Faced with such disparity between what is and what is demonstrated by our peers, causes an internal struggle. Which is most easily “resolved” by ignoring it and not thinking about it. This is fine, and even necessary. No-one can or should even attempt to face all the difficulties of life. But since this is the only thing we see as a solution, this is what we apply to our own lives to our very detriment.

People simply tend to avoid what they don’t understand. We have all experienced situations where our gut feeling was telling us “Don’t do it, it will be bad for you”, yet we ignored it and did it anyway. Then it turned out our little voice was right, and we vowed to start listening to it, yet we kept making the same mistake ever since. After a few such cycles we might even decide the endeavor is hopeless and in some twisted way, perhaps we even deserve the suffering. In a fell swoop our suffering is normalized, issues weren’t solved and our pain never ends.

It is not just you who is suffering, but everybody else is. You aren’t an isolated island doomed to face these difficulties alone. You are a node in the network of people all within the same boat. Connect to them and start working together.

You are not alone, but it is up to you

As described above, if possible, you would tend to ignore issues. So much so, that you won’t even notice opportunities for growth or correction. This is where open discussion comes in. Where honest observations with trusted associates can help us unravel the truth. Giving us the opportunity to make a change and to strive for something better.

4 things are absolutely necessary for any kind of change. A desire on our side for change, individuals whom we can trust and communicate our problems openly with, these individuals’ willingness to help us find our own solution instead of providing theirs and finally, the humility to try and fail as many times it is necessary.

All four have to come together at once, and even then change will be hard.

Firstly, if you haven’t arrived at the point where you, yourself have identified that you should change something and then subsequently have decided to actually do it, you won’t. All the feedback, punishment or judgement in the world won’t sway you to act. For example, you have gained a little weight. In some recesses of your mind you knew you wanted to lose it, but haven’t really decided to do so yet. Some people, as they often do, pestered you about it, made little jokes about it, and even if you have agreed with them on a fundamental level, these reminders never really helped. You just felt more hurt and ashamed and had to spend so much of your energy just to recover your mood that you had none left for the weight loss to even start.

Secondly and thirdly, change is extremely difficult, and it is necessary to have someone to whom we can share this with. What is difficult, why do we think it is, what we think might help. Then they listen and respond in the most honest way they can. Without passing judgement on your failings, they share their own perhaps, what they have tried, what has worked, what hasn’t. Both of you get a reminder that yes, change is hard, yes failure is almost a guarantee, but that is fine. This is how it is, and even if it only happens very slowly, it does. Each party is corrected a bit, re-centered, so to speak on their path. Each a bit rejuvenated, can face their foes again. What has been described in the psychological literature is defined as the therapeutic relationship. For example if you had a good partner or a friend with whom you could share anything with, chances are you have experienced such a relationship. You looked forward to being with them, regardless what mood you were in, or what tasks you had to do. This is also the prerequisite of going to a therapist. If this is missing, hell can freeze over and nothing would change for the better.

Lastly and perhaps most importantly, one has to have the humility to understand and accept (!) that they will fail. Many, many, many times. Not just they, anybody else they would like to see improve. It is inevitable and it is alright. Change is difficult not just because the thing we are trying to do is hard, but because the behavior is connected to our habits, to our personality, to how our lives have been lead. Understanding these aspects is critical to even formulating an attainable goal. For example, and for the sake of brevity, let’s examine the personality trait agreeableness (one of the Big Five). For simplicity let’s say someone scores really high on this trait, making them very agreeable. These people will tend to prioritize others over themselves. They will tend to agree. Might have their own opinions, but disregard them quickly in favor of someone else’s. They would take on willingly more work than they can manage, or can be so easily pressured into doing so that their exploitation stays overlooked by everyone. They won’t be able to deliver, won’t complain about the overload and won’t ask for help. Likewise, they would rather burn themselves to the ground, than to disappoint others (perceived or otherwise). In the very extreme, their aptitude for pleasing can be so pervasive that they can’t formulate what they want/desire, because that was secondary for so long it no longer registers. Knowing about this is extremely important, because personality traits are considered to be stable and immutable. Someone in this predicament cannot solve this. They can learn to mitigate it, but it can take years of cognitive behavioral therapy to do so, and even then, when overwhelmed they can easily revert to previous states. There are simply things that people need to learn to live with.

For clarity, I would like to also formulate the sub-textual message that is so often overlooked in all representations of struggle and subsequent change in the media. The journey is not glamorous and even less so heroic. In fact when you are doing it your suffering only intensifies, until you finally reach the next plateau and can realize some improvement. Even worse, the change comes by actively doing something different to how you would want to in the situations which are the hardest to you. When this comes and when you win or loose, you have to never forget this is ultimately about you, and for you. You have to take care of properly awarding yourself if you win, and not abolishing yourself if you loose.

A harmful way of feedbacks

All this prelude was done in the hopes of demonstrating that there is more under the hood than what we would like to accept. That we deliberately try to avoid issues as part of our nature. But since we all feel that something isn’t right when it isn’t we try to do something and easy to comprehend/implement “solutions” that we decide are good enough are what we will tend to go for.

These actions are easy to implement, but in essence help little. We are doing something we want to believe works, yet we read about colleagues having mental breakdowns or more commonly simply not knowing anything about their problems at all.

In a typical corporate environment feedback sessions can occur on a quarterly/annual basis or perhaps never. For this example let’s take a look at a quarterly group feedback session.

Let’s say the following instructions are given for the feedback session:

The feedback sessions occur every 3-4 months. You are in an environment where you are prepared to get feedback, but not necessarily in the mindset to receive it. This is an event that everyone attends ultimately because it is mandatory, not because they seek guidance or advice at that time. That is okay however, as you can opt to not do anything with the feedback. At this point our first requirement for change can easily go out the window. Even if change was somehow required, most of the time people would still ignore the feedback. By ignoring in this sense it is the same to not act on it or forgetting it by the next day.

The second requirement is likely not met either. It is not likely that we trust each teammate, and even less likely that we can be vulnerable in such an environment. We each share what we are willing to vocalize, likely knowing that we have ignored things that were important.

The third criterion is not met outright, given the setup. As we don’t know what the individual has done or why, because we haven’t bothered to ask or understand what has happened. If we give any actionable step, that is only based on our view of the world, not theirs. Which is an ultimately lopsided situation. We cannot know what is good for them. Only they can know what to do, and they have to figure it out too. In these instances feedback simply doesn’t make sense to the receiver. They are told something they feel is not true, doesn’t ring right, yet there is nothing they can do. The step by which trust can be forged has been skipped, and the quickest action was implemented.

“Tell them what is wrong with them, how they can solve it, and who cares what is the truth or the circumstances. My job is done here.”

Even worse when there is no adequate example, which is likely not going to work either as memory is a fickle thing, and it is hard to remember events that have happened somewhere during a 3-4 month time span.

Finally, the fourth requirement is trivialized away. No meaningful change occurs in 3-4 months. Especially if people aren’t actively working on changing, on their own volition. As if there was an expectation that something could happen, by applying such cheap intervention. This sends a message however subtle it may be that if you fail to change in this period you are failing. Then you get reminded that you did. Will that motivate you to do better next time?

What could be done

Don’t concern yourself with others problems. It is their burden and it is theirs alone. It is not your place to tell anybody what to do and if you look deeply into yourself you should already know that. Furthermore, it is up to you to make the choice to change, it is up to you to decide to seek help, and it is up to you to cherish the moments when you manage to squeeze in a win. It is arrogance that makes people believe they can help others, that they know better. They don’t. Our lives with their ups and downs are our responsibility and the moment we can accept that, aspects of it can start coming under our control. We grow a little, the horizon of what we believed ourselves capable off grows a little, but we had to do it. And only we could do it. Little by little we can learn that we can do what we want, but only if we act as we know we should in the situations we are least likely to do so. Those are the moments that matter. They occur each and every day, and they are very small. So small it is hard to notice you are making any progress. That is why you need others you trust, others you can share with, who see you from a different perspective. That is when you get feedback, when you inquire. It starts and ends with you. In fact if the choice is taken away from you, you will only become weaker. You will only shrink away from your responsibilities as they become in a sense external. You have already learned (or should have learned) that not many external things are under your control if any, so your options diminish.

It is so important to not help when it is not requested, that in retirement homes there is a rule that may seem brutal but is vital for the wellbeing of the residents. Nurses are told “Do not do anything for the individual that they can, however painfully, slowly or badly, do themselves.”, because if you do, you may feel better helping them, but what happens from their world is that more and more things that they could do are taken away. Your help makes them weaker. One more thing becomes lost to them.

Focus on yourself, because your burdens are enough for you, most often than not, even too much. Make yourself better, by accepting the little things that bother you and try to alleviate them. For example “It bothers me when XYZ doesn’t react to my Slack, messages.”. “Don’t they understand that my questions are important?”. Instead of holding this in, because you think it is petty and is your own shortcoming you can ask what has happened? You can try to understand their perspective and then help them see yours. If you do so you make an actual connection. They see you as an individual, and you see them better as well. A bit of trust is made, because they have shown some of their weakness, but they wanted to understand yours too.

This is what you should strive to do. Sometimes it won’t work for you, sometimes won’t work for them and many times nothing good may come of it, but an argument. You do it anyway when you feel you should. That is why you have the feeling, it is telling you to do something. Obviously that doesn’t mean you knee-jerk act out of anger and curse someone. Manage the emotions but, don’t ignore them. Then, when you are ready, you face the challenge.

Better yet, if you manage to apply this for a certain span of time, you will demonstrate that this is okay to do so, that this is a way. If you do it right, it will become a good way, a desirable way, then you will start to receive honest feedback yourself. Then you can handle it better. You no longer assume, but connect, you no longer tell, but ask. People want to share and want to help, especially when they see something good comes of it. But for any of this to happen everything has to start with you. You make the choice, collect the strength and the humility to take on the quest.

If you do not, nothing will change, nothing can change.